I'll try to sum up my situation as best I can. I turned 21 in June. I'm a guy. In college. I commute, which was a huge mistake
Basically I have no friends. If I died today, I'm sure the funeral would be empty. Before, only a few months ago, I use to make the best of it and play my video games in my room by myself. I'd drive straight home after class. I was avoiding social situations because I was scared of alcohol, scared of being awkward, scared of going to parties and ending up standing in the corner by myself.
The reason why I'm depressed every single day now and I can't stop replaying the missed opportunities for friends and even girlfriends, is because I met some wonderful people on the internet. I can't really explain it, but this girl I talk to has completely made me re-evaluate my life and realize that I've done everything wrong.
I am just alone, and I hate it. I don't want to accept that its just the way I am. I don't want to be a loner. I see people in groups and hanging out all the time, and I desperately want to be part of that. But everyone seems to be in their own clique. On the first day of orientation for college, I noticed already that everyone was in their own groups and seemed to already know each other. This frustrated me greatly.
The reason I'm like this is high school. I came out damaged severely mentally. I was accepted by virtually no one, and the small group of friends I thought I had, continuously betrayed me in the end. He said on graduation day "I know it seems like I don't like you, but I do". Well, the damage was done by then. Every day in high school was miserable, not because of physical violence, but because of continuous verbal assaults and jokes about the way I look. They wouldn't let it go ever, and eventually, I closed myself off from everyone. I became completely silent and the little social skills I had left deteriorated. Someone always gets the short stick in high school, I guess it was me. I was nerdy or fat, the best way I could put it is I'm multi-ethnic, so I didn't identify with any of the groups there. It was just a constant issue, no one could get over the fact that I looked like no one else there
Fast forward to today and I find myself depressed, day in and day out. All I do is replay through all the people I've let down and didn't pursue friendships with because of my introversion. I have 2 years left in college and it starts back Tuesday. I desperately want to belong somewhere. I desperately want to fit in but I fear its too late. I'm sick of being alone