I am writing this for anyone who is dating someone that is bipolar or is thinking about dating someone that is bipolar. I wish I had done more research prior to my involvement with my ex-fiancée. I am hoping by posting this I will help someone else before they subject themselves to the pain that many of us have or are still enduring by loving someone with the terrible illness.
Here is my story: I met my ex-fiancée on a dating web site. After our first date he was honest and told me he had been diagnosed with biopolar ii disorder and was taking medication. I immediately thanked him for his candor and told him I wasn’t interested. I had a child and I wasn’t about to subject her to something I knew little about. He wrote me back an e-mail which made me feel horribly guilty. Looking back on it now, it was a direct manipulation and it worked, because I showed up at his door that evening. Bipolars I have heard are experts in manipulation.
I wish I had done my research prior to my involvement with him instead of learning as I went along and although I know not all bipolar’s are the same I would like to post the warning signs I ignored and say that if anyone here is considering getting involved with someone with this illness be prepared to face a lifetime of pain. I have yet to meet someone in person or on line that has a healthy relationship with someone with this illness. The relationship with my ex almost destroyed me. He brought me down to such a state of depression that I myself had to take medication several months after our breakup for depression. It’s been 1 year and 3 months since we split up, and I am finally moving through the pain, however I don’t think I will ever be the same.
Though these warning signs may not fit every person with the bipolar disorder, I know many of them are typical:
you can clearly see the warning signs of the manic stage (which I missed), mixed state, rapid cycling, and finally his depression. I have examples of all them below.
1.) on the second date, found out we had very little in common early on. Tried to leave, he begged me to stay. Very unusual for someone to do on the second date.
2.) had difficulty showing affection. For instance he didn’t like to kiss a lot. Very little french kissing or touching in general, but otherwise acted very sexual.
3.) sex felt forced or more like an “act”.
4.) wrote me an e-mail of things he expected of me and from the relationship early on including marriage and children. I had only seen him twice.
5.) told me he “loved me” after our 5th date
6.) clearly by now he is in a full manic stage. Everything was euphoric, he was taking me on the ride with him
7.) did or made inappropriate sexual comments, grabbing my crotch in public, saying or asking inappropriate things
8.) wanted to know how far I have gone sexually, i.E. Threesomes, etc
9.) talked about sex all the time, but when it came right down to it, he used it as a way to control me, saying this such as “a good way not to get me to sleep with you is by asking me to.”
10.) sex the first time was horrible and many times thereafter. Lacking intimacy
11.) admitted sending explicit sexual photos to women he didn’t know on line and wish he had done more sexually promiscuous things
12.) said he was glad I wasn’t into porn and said he was vehemently against it
13.) i found him posted on a porn web site while we were still engaged soliciting sex
14.) had dated 224 women, yet hadn’t had a significant relationship since college
15.) said he had done inappropriate things in the past that he didn’t want to go into
16.) told me watching others have sex would be fun
17.) extraordinarily bright, but emotionally immature
18.) proposed marriage within 3 months
19.) one day he was up the next he was down.
20.) didn’t like to cuddle when sleeping. He stayed on his side of the bed, again no intimacy
21.) demanded my time when he knew I couldn’t give it
22.) said he wasn’t into public displays of affection
23.) he had little to no friends
24.) his parents were over involved in his life, yet he was in his mid 30’s.
25.) parents were in denial of his illness and treated him like a child
26.) he had a hard time getting off during sex with me he told me it was because he had been numbed by all his sexual experiences (in reality I think it was because of the drugs)
27.) he was very judgmental of me my family and friends
28.) kept track of gifts he had given people, or what gifts people gave him, had great expectations of others
29.) when introduced to others he would make comments about how no one seemed interested in him
30.) he frequently made comments about how much money he was spending on me
31.) he frequently pointed out my faults
32.) he was convinced I was bipolar and told me I should go see a physiatrist to see if I possibly could be. Ironically he refused talk therapy as a way to deal with his illness
33.) constantly was negative and often wrote me e-mails in which he would put me, my family or daughter down.
34.) often brought up how much he hated his ex girlfriends
35.) constantly berated me for not doing things I said I would do and how I never thought about him
36.) often complained he “gave more” to others and expected nothing in return, when in reality he made note of it
37.) constantly complained we only did things I enjoyed, and I never thought about him
38.) he spent the night at a crisis center when I first broke it off with him, only 3 months into dating
39.) cried and begged me back
40.) was addicted to on line dating and would post on multiple dating sites even while engaged
41.) expected me to appear at certain events even after he broke up with me and became enraged when I didn’t.
42.) could not make an important decision in his life without his parent’s involvement.
43.) extremely controlling and manipulative.
44.) told me I should be grateful for all he’s done.
45.) constantly would send me “statistics” of why our relationship wouldn’t work
46.) during fights he would not answer his phone, turn off the lights at his home and pretend he wasn’t there refusing to speak
47.) kept secrets from his parents
48.) said I didn’t make him feel sexually attractive, but nameless faceless women did in general said very hurtful spiteful things to me
49.) would chat on line while we were engaged with other women
50.) we would rarely have sex. This is during his depressed state. Where most engaged couples are so in love they have sex 3-4 times a week if not more. I was lucky if it happened 3-4 times a month
51.) he made me feel bad and unloved when he knew I wanted sex
52.) never took showers with me and took them another bathroom. Again lack of intimacy
53.) always talked sexual, wrote sexual things, but in reality was turned off by sex. He said it was funner having women want him sexually but not giving into them.
54.) told me he would commit suicide if either one or both of his parents died
55.) told me constantly he didn’t think anyone could be as supportive and loving as his parents had been in his life
56.) said I would end up leaving like all the rest
this went on for 10 long months. It was painful, and out of control and there was nothing I could do about it. In the end, I said I wanted out and he threw me and my daughter out of the streets with no where to go. He has not been involved in another relationship since and blames me for his actions, saying I deserved it.
People that are bipolar are unpredictable. What they think and say one day can be entirely different the next day. He never said goodbye to my daughter, who loved him dearly. I would never ever get involved with someone again in the future that was bipolar because of this experience, and sadly I have met and read a lot of people who have similar stories to mine. It was the saddest, hardest and most devastating relationship I have ever had. It wasn’t until after all was said and done that I did everything I could to read up on this disorder. For those of you out there contemplating getting involved with someone with this disorder my advice is to turn and run. For those of you still enduring that are getting no where try and get them to a qualified therapist along with making sure your spouse/lover is getting the right medication.
And for the few of you that actually have survived relationships through this illness. My hat’s off to you.